It's about time!

It has been WAY too long since I last updated my blog.  For those of you who actually read this, I apologize on the delay.  I have considered greatly why it is so hard for me to update my life virtually, it takes me forever to put pics up on fb and as you can see, even longer to update my blog, and I have come to the conclusion that I just prefer telling people in person.  I love to blog because I can get all my thoughts out, but sometimes it's better to do that in my journal, so at least some of my life is private haha.  I have also realized that it is hard for me to stay connected with people outside of where I am living at any moment.  Not that I love those people any less, it's just super difficult.  I think it's because I like to be totally present where I am, and also because when you experience new things by yourself, it takes time to process it and tell other people about it who haven't experienced what you have.  I also suck at taking pictures very often, and again, it's because I like to be present.

Ok, so now that that is off my chest, let's get to the good stuff.  What has happened these past two months? Well, to start, I am just about done at my internship, which I regret to say, I am very excited for.  It turned out to be very different than what I expected.  A lot of times I worked in the office by myself, taking phone calls and transferring tapes and making labels.  I don't understand it, but somehow I always end up doing jobs that I dread.  Even though they've helped me realize what I absolutely do not want to do with my life, they are super annoying and monotonous.  I think whatever career I choose is going to have to naturally change all the time because I get bored too easily.  I like to be challenged.  Not that sitting in an office isn't challenging.  Believe me it is!  It goes against everything in  my nature.  And answering phone calls, oh my, I don't even want to talk about it.  No matter what I do, for some reason I can never get all the information from the caller I need or at least remember it long enough to write it down.  This discovery has made me very grateful for voice machines, and I wish production companies would invest in them.  You can still write down the messages, but at least they would be more concise and you can listen to them as many times as you need until you have all the info written down.  Anyway, that's my 2 cents on that.

Onto matters of school.  We are now finished with all but one of our classes.  The last couple of weeks have been crazy with filming on the weekends and working on projects during the week.  I have realized through our projects that I have a lot of fear when it comes to sharing my art.  It's something that I am learning to deal with and face, and I am realizing that a lot of it stems from my insecurities in my identity.  And I think that is what a lot of our fears stem from.  As artists, one of the most important things we can do to serve our art is to deeply know who we are.  But it's easier said than done.  We have had many comical moments in class discussing everything under the sun pertaining to life in LA and stories and so much more, and all of that is inevitable when you have Jeremy and John teaching a class together.  They are hysterical.  They even lead a question and answer time about marriage in LA.  It was interesting to say the least.  Though we have had a lot of fun in class, there have been some harder moments.  I think a lot of us students are disappointed with the way this semester turned out in the end.  And those reasons may not be appropriate to share via the internet.  But, having had those moments and those feelings, both in my internship and in school, it has got me to thinking a lot about expectations.

I have wondered what is the point of expecting anything when time and time again, things end up not being what I expect at all, and a lot of times in a negative way.  Being a Christian, I am forced to consider that maybe what I am thinking and feeling is false and that I just have the wrong perspective.  But I don't find that to be true.  I think not being honest about disappointment is lying in the end and I don't think God wants us to cover up our true feelings, because he knows them anyway.  And it's not that I'm being super negative all the time.  Sometimes, life just actually sucks, and I think in that place, faith is really tested.  I don't know if those situations are orchestrated by God or the devil, but I do know that during those times sometimes you have to force yourself to keep moving and keep doing what you're doing and believe that it will get better.  I hate being in that place because life seems to throw you more questions than answers, but I think and I hope that when those times are over, we will understand their purpose.  And as I've been having this conversation with God about expectations, that is the answer he as given.  That though things don't go how we expect and though we are disappointed over and over, there will come a time when we understand why life happened the way it did.  I don't think we are happier and more fulfilled when life suddenly turns around and is everything we want it to be, because even when life is good we still wonder why at one point in time it wasn't.  And so I think that is why God gives a promise of one day understanding to keep us pressing on.  Think of Job, he lost everything except his life and God let it happen.  But somehow in the end, Job received some type of revelation and understanding about who God is that he repented to God for the things he said.  And I think ultimately it is that revelation that we all need and want.  Because we want to know and believe that God is good.  If Job can say that God is good after all he went through, then I know I am lacking something.  Clearly I need some understanding.

Anyway, there have been a lot of moments this semester where I have felt confused and lost and inadequate, but somehow I know that this is where God is leading me.  I wish the path were more clear, but then what would be the point of faith?  More than what I've learned academically or anything logical, I think the biggest thing I have learned and am still learning is how to live life being content in every circumstance and trust that God really does have my best in mind.  And let me tell you, it is definitely a walk of faith.  So I'm holding on to the promise of one day having my eyes opened and truly seeing my life the way God sees it.  It is that moment that I am living for as I journey through this thing called life. Who know where I will be in 5 years?  I can only take one day at a time.  And for now, that is going to have to do.

Only 3 more weeks left before I make the trek home.  I plan on taking as much of it in as I can and enjoying these last few weeks with these people in this city that one day will be my home.  I will be content in every circumstance and that means making the most of every day.  So today, I am doing what I love.  I'm going shopping during the day and skating in an outside rink tonight!  Even though this semester hasn't been at all what I expected, getting to know the people in the program has made everything worth while.  So I intend on spending as much time as possible with those people before we all head our separate ways.  Who knows if I will share those stories on my blog, maybe I'll even put pictures on fb, idk.  A miracle could happen ha.  Peace and love my friends!  

Happy Heart

I'm not going to ramble on this time as long as usual... at least I hope.

I finally have an internship!! What a relief, it was starting to wear on me not knowing what I was going to be doing... but this week I had 2 interviews suddenly and both places wanted me! It would have been a hard decision to make, but meeting people sometimes makes things easier.  Roserock was really cool because they're office was on the WB lot, so I'd be able to wander around the lot (which I did after my interview hehe) and meet people, but it the lot was almost so big that it had kind of a lonely feeling. Plus the few people in the office seemed kind of boring... Personality really is everything, especially when you're going to be working in close parameters with someone, so after meeting with Ram Bergman's assistant (Ray) from Gordonstreet, it was kind of an easy decision.

Gordonstreet is a small independent production company that's know for a film called Brick.  I haven't seen a lot of independent films, but what I have seen I liked.  At first, I kind of had in my mind that I would really like to work for a studio, but now I'm not so sure...  I guess I kind of had this idea that working in a studio, I would be able to have a bigger impact because those people are hard to work with. "those people"... the ones that are all about the business, don't give a rat's ass about people, shmooze their way to the top, rip people to shreds... but really not everyone is like that.  And I'm starting to think, maybe God actually has me on this path to bless me, meaning maybe I don't have to put up with scummy people to make a difference in the world and shine the light.  Maybe I can make just as much of a difference working in an office where everyone actually respects each other and treats each other with dignity.  And maybe I don't have to worry about making the "right" choice for once, because either way God is going to do something amazing.  It's strange to finally come to a point in the road where you have a choice when all you're life you thought there was only one "correct" path.

So after talking to Ray, the choice I was going to make seemed kind of simple. Why wouldn't I want to work with someone who is down to earth, super genuine, and actually interested in what I want to do and get out of an internship? I don't know necessarily what I'm going to get out of it career wise, but I'm starting to finally believe it's about more than what you do as a career, it's about the people that you meet along the way.  So combining all that information, I'm thinking that I may or may not get my big break into the career of my dreams through this internship, but I will gain a happy heart by having a mentor who wants to see me do all that I want to do and is willing to guide me along the way.  In the end, I think that's really what I need anyways.  :)

I AM

It has been an eventful few days in the life of Jackie Hile.  During class on Thursday, I got to hear from several of our professors about their favorite themes in film and why they are so meaningful to their lives.  It made me think a lot about my own top three themes of Love, Family, and Reconciliation/Healing/Forgiveness... yes that last one is a long one, but I think they all encompass essentially the same thing... It makes sense more and more to me in light of the past few days why these themes have come to define my heart's beat, and nothing more so than the theme of LOVE. 

Thursday evening I was delighted to visit the home of Rebecca Van Straten - McSparren for a book discussion on C.S. Lewis's God on the Docks.  We didn't get very far into the book, but no matter, the discussion we had was important and beautiful just the same.  What would you say to a person who asked you how do I find God?  That was the topic for discussion.  Over the next hour, I think we covered almost every base--but I think it would be fare to say that the main conclusion we came to is that it's not so important what you say, but that you tell the truth as it has been revealed to you in a genuine way.  Be honest and be you.  I don't know how that fits into theology, but I personally like that approach...

Friday was rather non-eventful, except for the fact that I watched the Wedding Planner which is by far one of my most favorite movies.  Sorry, can't help that I'm a girl... Saturday though, was quite the adventure.  Rebecca and I decided earlier in the week to help out with an event our church was putting on in MacArther park; it was a way to reach out to the community and love people.  There were people giving women makeovers, tons of school supplies were given away, and there were booths for dream interpretation, spiritual readings, and healing.  I volunteered to help in the healing tent.  So Saturday morning, I got an e-mail that there were riots on Friday due to the shooting that happened a week ago where a cop shot a guy who was drunk, and some of the streets were closed down.  So I had this most excellent idea to walk to the park.  Well, as you know, maps make distance look really small, so what I thought were 8 blocks were actually more like 40 because the 8 blocks I saw were major intersections.  Needless to say, we walked FOREVER and almost gave up and headed back home.  When we finally made it to our meeting spot, we had walked an hour and a half, in dresses mind you.  

After soaking for a few minutes in preparation to minister to people, we headed to the park.  But before I get to that, I have say that I was not really looking forward to this whole event entirely.  I don't know why, but I don't usually have good feelings about doing "ministry." lol but I wanted to be able to connect with some people from church and I also kept telling myself that often when you choose to bless other people, you yourself end up getting blessed, so I decided to go.  And I was blessed.  Before I even walked over to the park to minister, a woman prayed over me and gave me a word of encouragement that I really needed, and my whole being felt blessed.  It was life to my spirit.  It's crazy when God just speaks a timely word to what you are dealing with right in that moment.  I love it.  He's so real.

At the tent there wasn't a lot of people going in and out for prayer, in all I think I prayed for maybe 5 people and prophesied over 2, but it was really awesome nonetheless.  It ended up being a big ministry to pastors and Christians, not the unchurched, which really shows you how desperate the body is in need of the power of the gospel and just the affirmation of the Father.  I didn't see any crazy miracles happen, but the change in people's countenance made it all worth it for me.  It's so fun and rewarding just to bless people.  At the end of the day we took the Metro home.  No more walking for us =)  

Funny thing happened in the pool that day.  Some of us from school were just standing in a circle talking to each other and laughing like always.  A woman in the hot tub noticed and commented how unique and beautiful it was to see a group of people actually look each other in the eyes when they're talking and really listen.  She said it's like something spiritual was happening.  I smiled at that.  It's true that people really notice it when you live in a community of love.  Real love. It's not something that can be faked.  Jesus said that we would be known by our love....

Sunday was amazing, and I really can't get into all the details because they will probably bore you, but I guess I just see it so evident in my life how much God Loves Us.  Through living in community with others who really care about you enough to listen to you when you talk and laugh when you make a fool of yourself and ponder those tough questions and give a little word of encouragement.  I see Jesus everywhere.  I see him in people all around me every day. 

To end, I just got back from seeing a documentary by Tom Shadyac called I Am and was nearly drawn to tears by the power of simple human acts of kindness and the potential for goodness in humanity.  The film was the compilation of so many things I have thought and felt over the past several years that Tom just happened to explore recently in his own life and share with us in this film.  More than anything I am convinced this life is all about love.  That's all it's ever been about and to make it about anything else is just foolish and empty.  In the film, it mentions how a group of people asked this scholar to write an essay about what is wrong with world.  He wrote: "Dear Sirs, I Am."  Tom ends with the film with the question of what is the solution to the problems in the world and answers "I Am."  We can be the agent to bring reconciliation and hope to our world if we live a life of Love.  It sounds cliche, but really what else is life worth living for?

Your Breakthrough is my breakthrough

So I realize it's been a while since I last wrote... not a lot has happened, but yet a lot has happened, if that makes sense.  As far as internships go, I am still waiting to hear back from anyone about even getting an interview, but like I've been hearing a lot at church lately, other people's breakthrough is my breakthrough so I am going to have an internship just like my roommates have an internship.  On the topic of church, I was very excited to find that Expression 58, a nondenominational church quite a lot like Bethel, is right down the road from my apartment so I can actually walk there on Sunday mornings.   So far it has been so perfect and just what I need at this time in my life.  Every service feels like God ordained it just for me.  It feels good to get fed at church again lol.  After not having one particular church I'm committed to for more than a month or two, it feels good to find a place that I could see becoming my home church in California.  And the worship is so free so of course I love it :)  I've been going with one of my roommates and a couple of other people from LAFSC go as well.  I'm planning on getting more involved as the semester goes on.

On the note of school, we had a very long break for labor day so I feel as if I've been on vacation for the past week or so.  On Friday, we went to the director of LAFSC's house for dinner.  I loved her house! It reminded me of something out of Hanzel and Gretel.  It was very antiquie/rustic and European.  Stain glass windows filled the walls and the doorways were several feet thick, the whole house felt like it could be the set of a movie. Fitting, I think.  To top it off, in the dining room sat chairs that reminded me of the thrones of the kings and queens of old in The Chronicles of Narnia.  Needless to say, I sat down in one chair, feeling as if I were queen of Hollywoodland. 

Saturday, we decided to venture out to the shores of Malibu.  Sadly, the weather was not so friendly, and we decided to leave after about an hour because of the chill in the wind.  Other than that, it was beautiful.  After stopping for a quick snack at the local Starbucks, we drove to Point Dume where the views were breathtaking.  We could see the ocean for miles on end from the cliffs we stood upon.  After that, we rode up to Pepperdine to another lookout point, equally as beautiful.  After filling up our tummies with some delicious Mexican food, we made our way back to Park LaBrae where we finished the night with a nice soak in the hot tub (which is become quite a regular occurrence) 

Sunday, I went to church at Expression 58 and was blown away by God's love... I feel him beginning to romance me again and it is so sweet.  He took me into an encounter where he washed me and replaced my torn and stained robes with a beautiful long and white flowing dress.  I think it was symbolic for what he is doing to me in the spirit. Mmmm so refreshing :)  Sunday night I went to Mosaic and it was quite a different experience, but lovely just the same.  The service was held in a night club (sounds sketchy but I thought it was really beautiful) and the worship was great.  The sermon was about the devil oddly enough, and what he taught us in the garden.  It was a lot better than it sounds... ha!

I also decided to check out the fashion district with two roommates, which is not nearly as amazing as it sounds.  The streets are lined with vendors selling mostly fabric and some cheaply priced clothing.  I wouldn't have minded it, but the smell and the environment weren't very comforting.  We did however have someone compliment us, saying that we looked like the real Charlie's Angels. Whatever that means....

Monday, I went shopping with Rebecca, and thankfully found a few things I liked at Forever 21, our last stop of the day.  We went to a mall a few miles away that turned out to be a disappointment, and then tried Santa Monica, which is worth going to just to see the street performers.  While eating our snack from McDonald's, we were serenaded with songs from the classic disney princess stories.  It was wonderful!  

Seeing that I am a film student, I have also been watching a fair share of movies, just a few include Road to Perdition, A River Runs Through It, Leap Year, Pride and Prejudice, Blood Diamond (I don't think I ever want to buy a diamond again!), Sense and Sensibility, When in Rome, Hitch.... you get the picture. After a while I got kind of tired of watching so many movies, but then I realized that this is what I'm going to school for and I began to look at these films in a new light.  It is not just entertainment, but research too.  And I actually mean that. haha There's so much that goes into making a film, so why not actually take time to appreciate those things?

Tuesday, I was so happy to discover that one, I had not been chosen as director for our HPW(hollywood production workshop), and two I had been given the position of Production Designer!  I know I know, you're probably thinking what?! I thought you want to be a director!  Well, I think so, but the directors have a huge responsibility and I wouldn't mind that, but I think there are others that would do better than me and whom I could definitely learn from.  Plus, the more I heard about what a production designer does, the more I realized, I can do that! Like I'm actually really good at that.  It's very artsy.  You get to decide the look of the film through costume, makeup, set design, colors, etc.  I LOVE it! It's so perfect.  I don't know if it's what i want to do in the long run, but it is definitely something I want to look into, so in essence, my position is exactly what I needed. 

Today has not been nearly as exciting, but I have enjoyed it very much.  I spent the morning cleaning the apartment (which was very needed btw) and then watched a movie until my other roommate was up.  On the topic of cleaning, I am beginning to realize I have taken on my dad's trait of cleanliness.  I can't stand it when the apartment is a mess! If I'm the only one that cleans it, that's disappointing, but it has to be clean! So I will do it.  Kellie and I did a little latin dancing in the family room this afternoon to the Dancing with the Stars cardio workout.  It kicked my butt!  Then we chilled by the pool and relaxed and I made dinner, a scrumptious sloppy joe on french bread, one of my favorites :)  It was a hit with the roommates!  

Tomorrow, I have class for most of the day so I will have something to do.  Until I finally get my internship though, there's not much I can do other than relax and enjoy my vacation from real life, which I think I can handle... :)  Until then, happy Rest!

What a strange feeling to fit in somewhere

Orientation began on Monday this week and already I am absolutely loving everything about LA and LAFSC!!  In the morning, we learned a lot about the Hollywood culture and how it is important that we don't view it in negative terms, but learn to appreciate it for the culture that it is.  Just like any foreign culture that you want to be apart of, you learn to observe their customs and their way of interacting with each other.  Hollywood definitely has a different culture than the rest of the world, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Our afternoon session was absolutely amazing!! Jim Cavell and his wife Karen (she is the creator of the Hollywood prayer network) came and talked about sharing our faith in Hollywood.  It is such an amazing mission field that most Christians never get into for lots of reasons, mostly because the church has tended to just remove its hands from whatever the world takes over, including film.  But God is moving! I've heard that over and over since I first got here.  There are so many Christians just living their lives the way God wants them to in the midst of Hollywood, in the industry, and God is opening doors for people to hear the gospel. Most people don't even know the gospel and they are very curious to know what  Christians are like because there is such a negative stereotype.  Jim and Karen were SO super encouraging because they kept reminding us that though can't save the world, just showing up everyday and living the way God calls us to live MAKES A DIFFERENCE. People notice when you are different. Which leads me to my next thought...

It is so ironic that in a culture that is so foreign and opposite of what I believe I feel so at home.  Don't get me wrong, starting an internship in the crazy world that is Hollywood kind of intimidates me, but I know that there's nowhere else I would rather be than right here and that is such an amazing feeling! I see the gifts that God has given me and the passion to share his love with people and I can finally see the pieces of my life coming together.  Not that I have any idea where my career will take me, but as far as people and ministry, this is where I feel like I can definitely be used.  OH MY GOODNESS. What a crazy and amazingly wonderful feeling!!

Well that's about all I have time for tonight.  It's only Tuesday, but already I've had a lot of stuff to do! But it doesn't feel like work because I am thoroughly enjoying everything right now! One more thing:  last night I went to the Milky Way which is a restaurant owned by Stephen Spielberg's mom and I met her! She came to our table and just started talking to us.  She's like 4 feet tall and really old, but she's the funniest and sweetest old lady I have ever met.  If I ever have a bad day, I am so heading there because she would definitely cheer me up!  What a crazy amazing place I am in :)

I feel like I am always moving...

It is 8:04pm on Saturday night in LA and I am finally all moved in to my sweet new apartment!! I'm soo super excited for what God has in store for this semester.  I get a feeling that this is another piece to the puzzle of my life that is eventually going to form one marvelous picture that I can't even begin to imagine right now! Already it's been a crazy day just checking in and all that fun stuff but I got a parking space!!! whooohoooo ptl! (praise the lord ;)) I am also very glad that I bought a GPS that I affectionately call Alice. She has served me well so far in this gigantic city and I think she will be great company this year.

Driving out here took us 3 days.  We stopped in Tulsa and Flagstaff and San Diego for the night.  It was super long and I hope I never have to do it again! Driving through the desert was so HOT! But the country and mountains were beautiful.  It was very refreshing to arrive at the coast and feel the sea breeze in my hair once again.  That is one thing I am sure to miss this summer-- the ocean view I've had for the past two years.  Oh well, for now I will enjoy the lights illuminating the sky in the heart of LA and the bustling traffic always in a hurry to get to someplace. (which kind of scares me!! haha that will definitely take some getting used to) Thankfully ol' Bessy (my car) made it all the way out to California in good condition!  She will definitely be getting some miles put on her...

Tomorrow we have a full day of events. I am not quite sure what they all entail, but part of the day includes shopping orientation.  haha now that's my kind of orientation!  Right now I'm trying to catch up on my summer assignment of watching movies (right now I am enjoying The Searchers. The bad acting makes me laugh) and hopefully by Monday I can get my reel put together.  Thankfully a lot of stuff I need here is in walking distance.  Ralphs is a couple of blocks down the street, Kmart's close too and the Grove (gotta have a shopping mall) is right by.  My building is the closest to our school which is super nice because I won't be driving there since parking is a nightmare and way too expensive!  I will definitely be getting my exercise.  There's a pool for swimming laps here and a really nice gym so staying fit definitely won't be a problem. I might actually enjoying working out for once lol.

My apartment is way more spacious than I had anticipated and I am super glad. I will post some pictures once we have some things hanging on the walls.  Right now they are blank canvases waiting to be painted on with our creativity! I can't wait!

My roommates are four lovely girls that I am excited to get to know! I think so far we are off to a great start of becoming a miniature family :)  We have all agreed to each cook a meal once a week (I'm excited to finally have my very own kitchen!) and they all want to hang my paintings up on the walls so I feel very loved haha.

Well, I hate to go, but I already have so much that I need to get done and I wish I could just crawl into bed so bad.  I guess I can sleep when I'm dead... I've heard people say that before, I'm not sure that I really agree but we'll leave that up to your own opinions...Good night and happy adventures!!

August 15, 2010

Getting ready to head out to California in two days to embark on yet another adventure and I am so excited!  I have no idea what to expect, but I hear that a semester at LAFSC is like a vacation; beautiful LA apartment, pool & spa, awesome gym, places to go, can't get any better than that.  I'll try to keep you all posted about my journey this next year as I finish up my last year of school and make it into the real world to do only God knows what... change the world one day I hope! Til then, it's sure to be wild ride!
Pics of my soon to be new home :)