God is good.
That basically sums up everything I think. Seriously. Why do I ever doubt him? Why do I complain? I feel like God must get tired of my prayers sometimes because even though my "strength" happens to be adaptability, I don't think my prayer life reflects that. Every time life changes, I cry to God asking why are you doing this to me? How could you let this happen?
How pathetic am I?
Sometimes I wish I could just keep my mouth shut and trust that God knows what he's doing. I bet if I were to actually hear God, he would be saying "shut up, Jackie. I got this" Ha.
When I came back to Point Loma a couple weeks ago, I was having a hard time adjusting to life at school again. I kept thinking about how much I missed LA and the people I met there. So I asked God to help me be content where I am, because I really don't want this to be another dreaded semester at school, and my last one at that. And I would say that he has answered that prayer. I can't say that everything is cake and ice cream, but I am OK with where I am at. I've stopped trying to figure everything out and just live one day at a time.
Well, I guess that's not one hundred percent true... The past few weeks or so I've been really longing for heaven. Maybe it has to do with the book I read Heaven is for Real, or thinking about Nicole and wishing I could see what she's doing. I'm not sure. I just suddenly have this longing to really experience Heaven. I think I probably have tasted it before, but I know there has to be more than that and I don't see why I shouldn't ask for it. I don't have anything profound to say that I'm learning or any great epiphanies God has given me. All I have is a hunger and a thirst to know God and to see his face.
I am thankful to be in a place where I finally feel myself again and I am at peace with not having all the answers as to why God does things the way he does. I realized after coming back to San Diego how much God was able to heal my heart while I was in LA. Being in an environment surrounded by people with the same dreams and goals as me really touched my heart in a new way. I finally felt at home. It isn't until you've found a place that feels like home that you suddenly realize how long you have wandered before finding it. I never realized how alone and insecure I felt before my semester in LA. And I'm sure I still have a ways to go, but I feel a lot closer to knowing who God has created me to be.
So my prayer now is that God would show me more of himself on his terms, not on mine. I want to know God and see him how he truly is, not how I think he should be. No matter where I live or what I am doing, the only thing that will satisfy is Him. I want to see his face and behold his glory so that when I walk away I am changed. This is what's burning on my heart. Him. Only more of him.
