It has been WAY too long since I last updated my blog. For those of you who actually read this, I apologize on the delay. I have considered greatly why it is so hard for me to update my life virtually, it takes me forever to put pics up on fb and as you can see, even longer to update my blog, and I have come to the conclusion that I just prefer telling people in person. I love to blog because I can get all my thoughts out, but sometimes it's better to do that in my journal, so at least some of my life is private haha. I have also realized that it is hard for me to stay connected with people outside of where I am living at any moment. Not that I love those people any less, it's just super difficult. I think it's because I like to be totally present where I am, and also because when you experience new things by yourself, it takes time to process it and tell other people about it who haven't experienced what you have. I also suck at taking pictures very often, and again, it's because I like to be present.
Ok, so now that that is off my chest, let's get to the good stuff. What has happened these past two months? Well, to start, I am just about done at my internship, which I regret to say, I am very excited for. It turned out to be very different than what I expected. A lot of times I worked in the office by myself, taking phone calls and transferring tapes and making labels. I don't understand it, but somehow I always end up doing jobs that I dread. Even though they've helped me realize what I absolutely do not want to do with my life, they are super annoying and monotonous. I think whatever career I choose is going to have to naturally change all the time because I get bored too easily. I like to be challenged. Not that sitting in an office isn't challenging. Believe me it is! It goes against everything in my nature. And answering phone calls, oh my, I don't even want to talk about it. No matter what I do, for some reason I can never get all the information from the caller I need or at least remember it long enough to write it down. This discovery has made me very grateful for voice machines, and I wish production companies would invest in them. You can still write down the messages, but at least they would be more concise and you can listen to them as many times as you need until you have all the info written down. Anyway, that's my 2 cents on that.
Onto matters of school. We are now finished with all but one of our classes. The last couple of weeks have been crazy with filming on the weekends and working on projects during the week. I have realized through our projects that I have a lot of fear when it comes to sharing my art. It's something that I am learning to deal with and face, and I am realizing that a lot of it stems from my insecurities in my identity. And I think that is what a lot of our fears stem from. As artists, one of the most important things we can do to serve our art is to deeply know who we are. But it's easier said than done. We have had many comical moments in class discussing everything under the sun pertaining to life in LA and stories and so much more, and all of that is inevitable when you have Jeremy and John teaching a class together. They are hysterical. They even lead a question and answer time about marriage in LA. It was interesting to say the least. Though we have had a lot of fun in class, there have been some harder moments. I think a lot of us students are disappointed with the way this semester turned out in the end. And those reasons may not be appropriate to share via the internet. But, having had those moments and those feelings, both in my internship and in school, it has got me to thinking a lot about expectations.
I have wondered what is the point of expecting anything when time and time again, things end up not being what I expect at all, and a lot of times in a negative way. Being a Christian, I am forced to consider that maybe what I am thinking and feeling is false and that I just have the wrong perspective. But I don't find that to be true. I think not being honest about disappointment is lying in the end and I don't think God wants us to cover up our true feelings, because he knows them anyway. And it's not that I'm being super negative all the time. Sometimes, life just actually sucks, and I think in that place, faith is really tested. I don't know if those situations are orchestrated by God or the devil, but I do know that during those times sometimes you have to force yourself to keep moving and keep doing what you're doing and believe that it will get better. I hate being in that place because life seems to throw you more questions than answers, but I think and I hope that when those times are over, we will understand their purpose. And as I've been having this conversation with God about expectations, that is the answer he as given. That though things don't go how we expect and though we are disappointed over and over, there will come a time when we understand why life happened the way it did. I don't think we are happier and more fulfilled when life suddenly turns around and is everything we want it to be, because even when life is good we still wonder why at one point in time it wasn't. And so I think that is why God gives a promise of one day understanding to keep us pressing on. Think of Job, he lost everything except his life and God let it happen. But somehow in the end, Job received some type of revelation and understanding about who God is that he repented to God for the things he said. And I think ultimately it is that revelation that we all need and want. Because we want to know and believe that God is good. If Job can say that God is good after all he went through, then I know I am lacking something. Clearly I need some understanding.
Anyway, there have been a lot of moments this semester where I have felt confused and lost and inadequate, but somehow I know that this is where God is leading me. I wish the path were more clear, but then what would be the point of faith? More than what I've learned academically or anything logical, I think the biggest thing I have learned and am still learning is how to live life being content in every circumstance and trust that God really does have my best in mind. And let me tell you, it is definitely a walk of faith. So I'm holding on to the promise of one day having my eyes opened and truly seeing my life the way God sees it. It is that moment that I am living for as I journey through this thing called life. Who know where I will be in 5 years? I can only take one day at a time. And for now, that is going to have to do.
Only 3 more weeks left before I make the trek home. I plan on taking as much of it in as I can and enjoying these last few weeks with these people in this city that one day will be my home. I will be content in every circumstance and that means making the most of every day. So today, I am doing what I love. I'm going shopping during the day and skating in an outside rink tonight! Even though this semester hasn't been at all what I expected, getting to know the people in the program has made everything worth while. So I intend on spending as much time as possible with those people before we all head our separate ways. Who knows if I will share those stories on my blog, maybe I'll even put pictures on fb, idk. A miracle could happen ha. Peace and love my friends!
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