I've only been back in the US for about 14 hours, and already I miss Bangkok. This isn't something I expected. I knew Bangkok would keep a piece of my heart with her when I left, but I didn't realize how big of a piece it would be. I thought I would be relieved to step on American soil once again, and to a certain degree, I am, but I'm realizing now that the things I have seen and experienced in the past two weeks are not something I can process in a day or a week. I've seen too much, felt too much, and I can't just go about life as usual anymore. My eyes have been opened, and nothing looks the same.
The last few days in Bangkok were some that I don't think I will ever forget. Thursday we spent the day with Dton Naam. Joy and I taught the students to make origami hearts to hang up on the tree in the cafe. We worked for several hours, and it was kind of exhausting, but also a lot of fun. Art class always seemed to be full of laughter. Something about creating makes a person come alive, and I think the students felt that.
That night was one of the most amazing and difficult nights for me. We all ate at another delicious Lebanese restaurant before heading onto the streets and into the bars for outreach. Bethany and I ended up going to a lady boy bar that Dton Naam hadn't really gone to before. It's a little bit away from the main plaza where the main section of bars are located, but I think it was probably my favorite lady boy bar we went to. It was a pool bar, so the dynamics work a bit differently than in other bars. We bought drinks for one of the lady boys and then decided to play some pool with a couple of them. It was a small bar, and there were a couple men there when we arrived. I could tell they were a bit baffled by why two women would come into a bar, as most of the men usually are. We met a guy from France that seemed to know quite a few of the lady boys and he even made the comment that you don't usually see women in the bars.
After playing pool, we talked to the lady boys for a while. The one I was talking to was pretty open with me. He said he didn't really like his job, he had been working there for 2 weeks, and only stayed because it paid well. Despite his smile and laughter earlier, in that moment he couldn't lie anymore and I felt honored that he would open up with me, a strange white American girl he had only met an hour earlier. When Bethany and I left, one of the lady boys made the comment that he had hoped we were going to pay the bar fee and take him out for the night. We had to meet up with the group, but both said they would love to get dinner sometime before work. It was hard leaving, but at the same time I'm so glad we got to partner with Dton Naam because I know they will keep up the relationship we just started with those two lady boys. And I'm so glad I got to be one of the first in that bar.
After that, the girls from Dton Naam went home, so just us girls from the team decided to go out some more. Annie and I went to two bars, and it was my first time in the Thai women bars. There was one girl in the first bar that looked about 14, and it seemed it might have been her first day working at the bar; she seemed uncomfortable dancing. I felt sad and angry, and still a bit numb about the reality of the situation. But going into the second bar stripped any numbness I had. It's hard to put into words... it's one thing hearing stories and knowing the things that go on in the bars, but seeing it is completely different. The dances/show was so much more sexual than the other bars I had been in, and for the first time all I could feel was disgust and anger, not at the people, but at the way Satan was so clearly at work, how there were veils over every person's eyes. I couldn't see or feel Jesus anymore, I couldn't find the light, and I felt overwhelmed.
If that wasn't enough, we decided to go to the Grace Hotel in the Muslim district to see the women behind the glass. The Grace Hotel also happens to be where one of the terrorists from 9/11 stayed while he was planing and training for the attacks. Even walking there, I could feel the weight of darkness in the spirit. My physical body started experiencing all kinds of weird pains, and I felt sick to my stomach. Annie said there were more traffickers out that night, and I could tell because several men tried calling me over and grabbing my arm. I was already angry, so I wasn't afraid of punching them if that's what it came to, not that it would. There were people everywhere. Once at the hotel, the pit in my stomach grew even more, and I felt like I might pass out. It felt like I was in a daze. We asked where the massage parlor was, and we were directed down a winding staircase that had flashing rope lights rapped around the railing. We walked into a corner where a man sat at a desk and to the left, about a dozen middle eastern women sat behind a wall of glass with numbers on their clothes. To the right were several rooms where customers could take their women of choice. Annie asked the guy how much, and he said either 5 or 600 baht, which is about $15. A white-haired guy walked in after us, and it took everything in me not to scream at him. He walked away as we headed up the stairs and I partly wonder if he did because we were there.
At that point all the sadness and anger became too much to handle, the pit in my stomach too large, and I broke. I've never felt so much anger and deep sadness in my life, at one moment, and I couldn't handle it, still can't. I've never been in a place where I can't feel God or see a glimmer of his light, never felt his complete absence before...it's not something you can easily process or get over either. I will remember that night for the rest of my life.
I've never wanted to flee from a place as much I have wanted to in Bangkok. There were several occasions where I couldn't imagine another moment being subject to so much oppression, and yet people live in that every day. I feel like every moment of light-heartedness, and joy I have ever experienced in my life was taken for granted until that night. We have so much freedom living in the US that I never quite understood before, but now I hope I never forget it.
Friday was our last day with Dton Naam, and after the night I had, I needed some time to chill and journal. I was excited when I finally got to teach a painting class, since I had taught drawing so much, which isn't really my forte. It was probably the best class we had at Dton Naam, for me anyways. We had everyone share their inspiration for what they painted, and their answers were amazing. They mostly consisted of different aspects of God's love, and I was taken off guard by the depth of their simple answers. In a place where darkness is so evident, God's love shines brighter than I've ever seen before. It's so blatantly obvious.
Joel and I got to pray over one of the sweetest 15 year old girls I have ever met that afternoon. Both of our hearts melted by the depths of God's love for her. He's so so loving.
Saturday we had a day to do whatever we wanted. We met with Annie and Bang from Nightlight for lunch, and as a team got to share our thoughts about Bangkok. It was an amazing day of reflecting on what God had and still is showing us. We all felt the sweet presence of Jesus, and it was a perfect way to end such an intense week. We had dinner at a fancy Thai restaurant close to our hotel, and spent several hours affirming each other and debriefing. All of us felt extremely empowered through Annie's leadership, and I know for me, even with all the questions I still have, I never felt so much confirmation of my identity and clarity of my calling on a trip before. Everything that I saw and experienced has effected me deeply, and I know I won't ever be the same.
It's hard to sum up our trip to Bangkok in words... It's sort of indescribable. You can't really understand unless you've been there, unless you've seen it with your own eyes, and experienced it for yourself. Words just don't do it justice.
So I'm not really sure how to end, because coming back to LA really isn't the end, it's just the beginning. The beginning of a lifelong journey of understanding God's heart of love and justice for the entire world. I'm finally starting to understand that's what it's all about, knowing God's heart. And I think that journey is one that will take me the rest of my life and all of eternity to fully explore... his heart is just that big :)
