When dreams die...and are reborn

The past few months I've been thinking a lot about my dreams. I participated in a discussion group as we read through a book called Dream Culture. I typically don't have trouble dreaming, both in the daytime and a night, so reading the book didn't pose as much of a challenge to me as one might have expected. I often take steps to put feet to my dreams and have been a firm believer in taking action and not sitting around wishing something would happen to me. With that being said, the issue I have dealt most with in terms of dreams is what to do when dreams die.

For many people who have taken risks to pursue a dream, having a dream fail can result in a lot of disappointment, confusion, and doubt. There comes a point when one has to decide whether or not the sacrifice to achieve the dream is really worth it or if it is time to give up altogether and pursue another dream. One begins to wonder if  they were wrong for thinking they should pursue the dream in the first place and if it was all a big mistake. 

These feelings of doubt and confusion are ones that I have had to face often in my life in recent years. Living in a city where everyone is here for the purpose of pursuing a dream can feel daunting at times. There is so much competition to be the next best ____, fill in the blank, and you start doubt your sanity for ever thinking you could be that somebody who overcomes all odds. There's a bit of insanity in all of us that dare to dream I think, because for anyone that has actually achieved their dream, there certainly had to be a lot of blood, sweat, and tears that got them to them there, and to constantly get back up on their feet when life knocks them down over and over again takes a lot of perseverance and faith that one day the wall they've been pushing against will finally come crashing down. 

I've come to realize that dreaming is not for the faint of heart. But I don't think there's anything worth giving more energy and guts to than our dreams. I've accomplished dreams before, and the feeling that you get when finally crossing the finish line of your dream so to speak, is one of sheer happiness and completeness that nothing else can give. In that moment all the hard work and preparation that got you there suddenly seems so small in retrospect. And so you dream an even bigger dream and start the process all over again. 

Recently, I've had a dream resurface in my heart that I once gave up on, feeling like it just wasn't meant to be or maybe that is just wasn't the time. I made a choice to pursue some other things for a while and kind of bury that old dream. But I feel it showing its head again and I am filled with fresh hope that this may be the time for that dream to come alive. There is a time and a season for everything under heaven, and I think we're about to enter a really beautiful season. 

As I've been reflecting on these things, I ended up writing a poem yesterday. I thought I would share it with you :) 

Awakening

There is nothing, only darkness. And silence sits like an eager hawk awaiting its prey in the spaces that fill the emptiness of my chest hollowed out, quenching all sound

All is quiet

The eyes of my soul look up to the heavens as a vision of light slips through the door to awaken this heart grown cold and dark from time spent alone in its chamber.

Its beating pulse once turned silent now begins to reverberate so deeply within rhythms that cannot yet be comprehended

And longing stirs

Reawakening the dreams forgotten is the pain of an unkind ache coming to make its home

Settling like a fog that nestles the rocks on the shore of a lake at dawn, it slowly caresses the hardened flesh like the breath of a whisper infusing life into the soul of its hearer

There is more...

Like air inside a balloon inflating the lungs with pure oxygen it ignites the faintest of flames with its friction 

A burning sensation warms the flesh that is no longer numb as the pounding dream beat sounds in a tangible syncopated rhythm growing louder and louder, shaking the walls that kept it enclosed for so long

It is alive 

Walking on Water

It's crazy how drastically our lives can change in a matter of a moment. How so many choices we make suddenly all culminate at once and the course of our lives is dramatically changed forever. I've experienced that moment only a few times in my life, and it always seems to happen when I'm making a big life decision. The truth however, is that there are actually hundreds of smaller moments of decisions being made that have led up to that particular life-changing moment. Our futures and destinies are actually being decided every day by the little decisions we make, like what we give our attention to, how we think, and how we spend our time. 

I don't know about you, but I've found that in my life there are times when it is easier to make decisions and times when it seems increasingly more difficult. In those more difficult seasons, it's almost as if I can sense the weight of each and every decision I make, and so I almost become paralyzed from fear of making the wrong choice, or rather, settling for something less than what I could have chosen if I had only endured a little longer. 

It's in the latter season that I find myself presently, and I'm admittedly not very excited about it. Because it's not fun. It's hard, and confusing, and it's uncomfortable. As much as I know in my head that I should be excited about it because it means I'm growing and maturing, what I want to do in reality is exactly the opposite. I want to bury my head in the sand, or anything else equally as lame, as long as it doesn't involve making any kind of decisions. Most days I find myself completely motivated to do all the things on my heart to do, but today is just not one of those days. 

I wish I had some wise words or advice to give that might help those of you who find yourselves in the same boat. But the reality is, when Jesus calls you out onto the water, you have to do it on your own. Nobody else can walk on water for you. And that's the truth we all have to face in our lives at some point. As scary and uncomfortable as it can be, it's the only way we can move forward. I only hope and pray that you and I have the faith to listen and get out of the boat when it's time. Because I don't know about you, but I don't want to stay in the boat where I've already been. I want to go to new places, and I'll do whatever it takes, even if that means walking on some water.

Only boring people get bored

Hello world! After a very long break from blogging, I am officially back and at it again. I'd rather not get into all the nitty gritty details of the past 2 years--there's so much to tell I could probably write an entire book about it--so instead I shall start from the present and just fill you in on the historic details whenever needed for the purposes of telling this present story. What say you, shall we begin? 

First off, let me just say I have so missed writing! Somewhere between de-boarding the plane after 4 months abroad, moving back to LA, and finally landing a job, I seem to have grown so consumed with life that I forgot to share it with you all. Sad, I know. I mean how could you have possibly lived without my crazy life adventures to entertain you? Surely you must have wept hours and hours from such a loss, and for that I am truly sorry. But my friends, please take heart, for I have not forever left you in your sorrowful state as I have many a new story to share with you. And I realize that may come as a shock to you. Many of you are probably wondering how my life now could possibly be as interesting and entertaining as my life of traveling, but I assure you, it is. 

I've come to realize the truth in the saying that only boring people get bored. In the same way that we are all given the opportunity to do something interesting with our lives, life has the potential to be a wild and crazy adventure, whether you're working a regular 9-5 at a job you hate or you're living you're dreams of exploring the world and taking in the most beautiful scenery you could ever lay eyes upon, it all depends on us. Now I'm not trying to ignore the fact that life has a tendency of throwing us curve balls now and then or completely knocking us on our faces. Believe me, I've been there, just last week actually. And in those times, sometimes all you can do is sit there crying and nursing your wounds. To a certain extent, that's all good and healthy. But there comes a point when you have decide whether or not you're going to take all the hard things life throws at you lying down or if you're gonna stand up and keep pushing forward. Will you choose to believe you are a strong individual who has the strength and courage to endure, or will you choose to be a victim of circumstances you will never be able to fully control? 

I hate to be another resounding bell, but it's really all about perspective. I remember countless times when Colton and I were traveling through Europe when something wouldn't go as planned (in the rare occasion that we actually had a plan I should add). Something would happen like a train strike in Cinque Terre, Italy on the day we were supposed to leave, or getting stuck in a small town on Easter with no place to stay and no way of leaving, or even getting out bags stolen in France. There were so many circumstances that we couldn't prevent (and admittedly some that we probably could've) and each time we had a choice of how we would react. I'd like to say that we always chose to face any given setback with a positive attitude and a sense of humor, but I know that wasn't always the case. However, I do remember pretty early on that no matter what happened, we always ended up coming to the conclusion that, well, at least this will make a good story! 

Having that attitude I think is what really got us through some of the hardest times. We didn't ignore the fact that sure, some aspects of traveling are just not very fun or glamorous, but knowing that we had a story to tell gave us the perspective that one day we would be on the other side of whatever obstacle we faced and when it was all said and done we would look back and laugh at our present misery. Because at least it made a good story. I wonder how different our day to day lives would be if we took the same approach? We would say sure, I may not be where I want to be in life right now, but at least I'll have a story. This isn't the end. And even though it's hard, I'm not going to give up because one day when I'm looking back at the crazy things that happen to me I'm going to let out the biggest gut-busting laugh you've ever heard. Because it will actually be funny. When we see things in retrospect it's amazing how small they seem. The things that once stressed us out and made us angry are not that important any more. They don't even make sense in light of where we're standing in the future because we've made it to the other side. And we know how good it is. 

I am sure a lot of you, if not all, can relate when I say that sometimes life is just downright difficult, especially if you're living in city like Los Angeles. There are days when I wonder if this is all worth it. If moving all the way across the country, away from my family, to one of the most expensive places to live was just a big mistake. It may be years until I am able to answer that question, but for now I'll take comfort in the fact that if nothing else, at least I'll have a pretty good story to tell one day. Besides, isn't that what we all really want anyway?