The longest journeys always begin with a single step

It's funny, every time I go to start writing a new blog, it always takes me several minutes to even figure out how to start. I guess I just have so many things swirling around in my large brain that all are fighting to come out at  the same time that it's a struggle to find the right thing to say. And I suppose that by starting my blog this way I am inevitably choosing the easy way out...

Still, the process of writing is admittedly very complex and I think it deserves further exploration...just not right now. I have things of a more important matter to discuss at the moment. For example, WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??? I mean seriously, that question has never plagued me like it has recently. Or rather I suppose the more specific question I have been asking myself lately is HOW DO I LIVE MY LIFE? 

Ok, ok, you're probably thinking chill Jackie, you've only just recently turned 21 and you already graduated from college, miraculously with no debt, you live in a beautiful high rise apartment in the middle of Miracle Mile, possibly the coolest name of a district ever btw, and you're freaking out about life? YEEEEESSSSSS!! I totally am! I realize that by the time I come to the end of this post I will probably have reached some sort of peace of mind by changing something about the way I have been thinking about things lately, but at the moment, that question is seriously like an annoying sibling constantly pointing their finger at me, but never actually touching me. Maybe it's the fact that I've lived in LA for a total of 3 months and I still don't have a paying job (internships are great, I can't argue with that, but experience doesn't pay my rent), or maybe it's that I live with four girls in a two bedroom apartment that all want to kill each other, (ok, that's not entirely true, but drama is sort of inevitable when you have that much estrogen crammed into one space. Love you roomies! And I mean that...), or maybe it's just the sudden realization that has been sinking in that I am actually done with school for the rest of my life and I still don't have a five-year plan. I don't know, but suddenly I am realizing once again that I am clueless as to how to even do what I want to do.  Let me explain...

There are so many talents and interests that I have...so many things I like to do and want to pursue in my life, but I'm just not sure what to pursue first or really what aspect of each avenue to pursue.  For instance, I absolutely love to paint. I would love to have a studio in my home where I could spend ours just creating and painting crazy things. I would also love to be able to sell those paintings for lots of money so I could have another source of income while the film thing has its breaks...but in order to that, I most likely need a website, which I don't know how to create and can't even start to unless I have paintings to sell, which I can't do unless I have the money for the canvas, which I only have a little of until I find a job...which seems to be the biggest dilemma of all. What kind of job should I get? I'm definitely pursuing a career in production design, but currently my pursuits have only led me to non-paying gigs which are great for contacts and experience, but not so great for my wallet. I would also love to get paid to write (which I am sort of doing by editing my dad's book, but I would really like to not have my parents always being the one paying me to do things if ya know what I mean), but that can't happen until I actually have something written that I can sell, which I could do I guess but then there's the whole issue of time and needing a job to support myself while I write... *sigh*

So I think you are probably starting to get an idea of the never ending dilemma I seem to be facing. A thought has occurred to me that I should just go out and get a regular 9-5 job until I get myself settled and am a little more on my feet. BUT I'm not sure that would really be a great idea. I mean, I've tried doing those monotonous jobs before, going in every day at the same time, doing the same exact thing that isn't really very fun at all, coming home wishing you had more time to do what you want to do but are to exhausted to do. It doesn't work. That to me almost seems more depressing than being a starving artist. Selling your soul to monotony. It's hell. So I am stuck in the midst of indecision and ultimately feeling lost on a road in the middle of nowhere with no map to tell me where I am. 

But alas, there is hope my friends! Despite the stress of feeling completely clueless, I seem to be having a wonderful time enjoying life in the moment. I've been meeting so many new and amazing people recently and building relationships that I dreamt of having when I lived here last year. It's been amazing! I'm finding that people are truly what make life meaningful. Without the relationships that I have right now, I would be one sad and depressed person. So thank God for people! I've been thinking a lot about my dreams and what I want to do in life, but the more I think about it, my dreams seem empty if all I am really wanting in my dreams is a title or an experience. And I don't really think that is my heart at all, though it may be a part of it. I think deep down, my dream is just to do what I was created to do with the people I was created to do it with. I mean think about it, what good is it if you gain all the most amazing awards and achievements in the world, but you have no one to celebrate it with? Now that is downright depressing. So I've been doing a lot of things that I have been wanting to do for a while, and amazingly enough, I've been doing them with PEOPLE. Ha! Don't you love that?

So I guess the only peaceful thought I can offer myself is that if I do end up homeless without a job, at least I know a bunch of people that would feed me and give me a place to stay. See, it really is all about who you know and not what you know! Anyway, I think that is where I shall end this lovely contemplation, and I promise to try to be content with where I'm at in life. I truly am thankful for the blessed life that I live and I know my worries are so small in comparison to the crazy stuff people deal with all around the world. Someday I will figure out how to do this thing called life.  Who knows, maybe all it takes is one single step in any direction for everything else to fall into place...

All I want is Jesus

God is good.
That basically sums up everything I think.  Seriously.  Why do I ever doubt him?  Why do I complain?  I feel like God must get tired of my prayers sometimes because even though my "strength" happens to be adaptability, I don't think my prayer life reflects that.  Every time life changes, I cry to God asking why are you doing this to me? How could you let this happen?
How pathetic am I?

Sometimes I wish I could just keep my mouth shut and trust that God knows what he's doing.  I bet if I were to actually hear God, he would be saying "shut up, Jackie.  I got this"  Ha.

When I came back to Point Loma a couple weeks ago, I was having a hard time adjusting to life at school again.  I kept thinking about how much I missed LA and the people I met there.  So I asked God to help me be content where I am, because I really don't want this to be another dreaded semester at school, and my last one at that.  And I would say that he has answered that prayer.  I can't say that everything is cake and ice cream, but I am OK with where I am at.  I've stopped trying to figure everything out and just live one day at a time.

Well, I guess that's not one hundred percent true... The past few weeks or so I've been really longing for heaven.  Maybe it has to do with the book I read Heaven is for Real, or thinking about Nicole and wishing I could see what she's doing.  I'm not sure.  I just suddenly have this longing to really experience Heaven.  I think I probably have tasted it before, but I know there has to be more than that and I don't see why I shouldn't ask for it.  I don't have anything profound to say that I'm learning or any great epiphanies God has given me.  All I have is a hunger and a thirst to know God and to see his face.

I am thankful to be in a place where I finally feel myself again and I am at peace with not having all the answers as to why God does things the way he does.  I realized after coming back to San Diego how much God was able to heal my heart while I was in LA.  Being in an environment surrounded by people with the same dreams and goals as me really touched my heart in a new way.  I finally felt at home.  It isn't until you've found a place that feels like home that you suddenly realize how long you have wandered before finding it.  I never realized how alone and insecure I felt before my semester in LA.  And I'm sure I still have a ways to go, but I feel a lot closer to knowing who God has created me to be.

So my prayer now is that God would show me more of himself on his terms, not on mine.  I want to know God and see him how he truly is, not how I think he should be.  No matter where I live or what I am doing, the only thing that will satisfy is Him.  I want to see his face and behold his glory so that when I walk away I am changed.  This is what's burning on my heart.  Him.  Only more of him.

It's about time!

It has been WAY too long since I last updated my blog.  For those of you who actually read this, I apologize on the delay.  I have considered greatly why it is so hard for me to update my life virtually, it takes me forever to put pics up on fb and as you can see, even longer to update my blog, and I have come to the conclusion that I just prefer telling people in person.  I love to blog because I can get all my thoughts out, but sometimes it's better to do that in my journal, so at least some of my life is private haha.  I have also realized that it is hard for me to stay connected with people outside of where I am living at any moment.  Not that I love those people any less, it's just super difficult.  I think it's because I like to be totally present where I am, and also because when you experience new things by yourself, it takes time to process it and tell other people about it who haven't experienced what you have.  I also suck at taking pictures very often, and again, it's because I like to be present.

Ok, so now that that is off my chest, let's get to the good stuff.  What has happened these past two months? Well, to start, I am just about done at my internship, which I regret to say, I am very excited for.  It turned out to be very different than what I expected.  A lot of times I worked in the office by myself, taking phone calls and transferring tapes and making labels.  I don't understand it, but somehow I always end up doing jobs that I dread.  Even though they've helped me realize what I absolutely do not want to do with my life, they are super annoying and monotonous.  I think whatever career I choose is going to have to naturally change all the time because I get bored too easily.  I like to be challenged.  Not that sitting in an office isn't challenging.  Believe me it is!  It goes against everything in  my nature.  And answering phone calls, oh my, I don't even want to talk about it.  No matter what I do, for some reason I can never get all the information from the caller I need or at least remember it long enough to write it down.  This discovery has made me very grateful for voice machines, and I wish production companies would invest in them.  You can still write down the messages, but at least they would be more concise and you can listen to them as many times as you need until you have all the info written down.  Anyway, that's my 2 cents on that.

Onto matters of school.  We are now finished with all but one of our classes.  The last couple of weeks have been crazy with filming on the weekends and working on projects during the week.  I have realized through our projects that I have a lot of fear when it comes to sharing my art.  It's something that I am learning to deal with and face, and I am realizing that a lot of it stems from my insecurities in my identity.  And I think that is what a lot of our fears stem from.  As artists, one of the most important things we can do to serve our art is to deeply know who we are.  But it's easier said than done.  We have had many comical moments in class discussing everything under the sun pertaining to life in LA and stories and so much more, and all of that is inevitable when you have Jeremy and John teaching a class together.  They are hysterical.  They even lead a question and answer time about marriage in LA.  It was interesting to say the least.  Though we have had a lot of fun in class, there have been some harder moments.  I think a lot of us students are disappointed with the way this semester turned out in the end.  And those reasons may not be appropriate to share via the internet.  But, having had those moments and those feelings, both in my internship and in school, it has got me to thinking a lot about expectations.

I have wondered what is the point of expecting anything when time and time again, things end up not being what I expect at all, and a lot of times in a negative way.  Being a Christian, I am forced to consider that maybe what I am thinking and feeling is false and that I just have the wrong perspective.  But I don't find that to be true.  I think not being honest about disappointment is lying in the end and I don't think God wants us to cover up our true feelings, because he knows them anyway.  And it's not that I'm being super negative all the time.  Sometimes, life just actually sucks, and I think in that place, faith is really tested.  I don't know if those situations are orchestrated by God or the devil, but I do know that during those times sometimes you have to force yourself to keep moving and keep doing what you're doing and believe that it will get better.  I hate being in that place because life seems to throw you more questions than answers, but I think and I hope that when those times are over, we will understand their purpose.  And as I've been having this conversation with God about expectations, that is the answer he as given.  That though things don't go how we expect and though we are disappointed over and over, there will come a time when we understand why life happened the way it did.  I don't think we are happier and more fulfilled when life suddenly turns around and is everything we want it to be, because even when life is good we still wonder why at one point in time it wasn't.  And so I think that is why God gives a promise of one day understanding to keep us pressing on.  Think of Job, he lost everything except his life and God let it happen.  But somehow in the end, Job received some type of revelation and understanding about who God is that he repented to God for the things he said.  And I think ultimately it is that revelation that we all need and want.  Because we want to know and believe that God is good.  If Job can say that God is good after all he went through, then I know I am lacking something.  Clearly I need some understanding.

Anyway, there have been a lot of moments this semester where I have felt confused and lost and inadequate, but somehow I know that this is where God is leading me.  I wish the path were more clear, but then what would be the point of faith?  More than what I've learned academically or anything logical, I think the biggest thing I have learned and am still learning is how to live life being content in every circumstance and trust that God really does have my best in mind.  And let me tell you, it is definitely a walk of faith.  So I'm holding on to the promise of one day having my eyes opened and truly seeing my life the way God sees it.  It is that moment that I am living for as I journey through this thing called life. Who know where I will be in 5 years?  I can only take one day at a time.  And for now, that is going to have to do.

Only 3 more weeks left before I make the trek home.  I plan on taking as much of it in as I can and enjoying these last few weeks with these people in this city that one day will be my home.  I will be content in every circumstance and that means making the most of every day.  So today, I am doing what I love.  I'm going shopping during the day and skating in an outside rink tonight!  Even though this semester hasn't been at all what I expected, getting to know the people in the program has made everything worth while.  So I intend on spending as much time as possible with those people before we all head our separate ways.  Who knows if I will share those stories on my blog, maybe I'll even put pictures on fb, idk.  A miracle could happen ha.  Peace and love my friends!